Twitch of the Love Nerve
by Echidne and Jyestha
Summary: As Vidranic struggles to get Mel to confess their engagment, general chaos and hijinks ensues as meliara begins to recount her past, 'Danric is exploring his sexuality, Flauvic the ever-evil tree lurks and Bran lusts for flaming desserts.
1. Default Chapter

Twitch of the Love Nerve

Chapter 1

"Mel, are we ever going to tell anyone that we are engaged?" Vidanric pleaded.

"Why?" She asked, as she sat up in 'Danric's large bed and wrapped the sheets around her body. "What's the point?"

"Well," answered Vidanric as he scratched his head in mock-thought. "For one, we could stop sneaking around the palace during the night."

"I like that. It adds mystery to our relationship. And air of the forbidden." Mel smiled, ducking her head under the covers to avoid his playful whacks.

Vidanric sighed. It had been almost a year since the defeat of Flauvic and Vidanric's crowning. During that year, Vidanric had repeatedly been dodging the obvious questions from his advisors. Wasn't it time to take a wife? And didn't the lovely Dowager Countess of Tlanth seem like a perfect consort?

Yes, she does, Vidanric reasoned. He didn't understand why she refused to just marry him already. He had already informed that if he ever saw her with another man he would arrange a commoner's execution for them both.

She had just laughed at him. She didn't seem to understand the gravity of his situation. Vidanric had originally thought if her hesitation to come clean about their relationship was simply because of her inexperience in love. But now, almost a year later, Vidanric was beginning to have second thoughts about his theory.

Vidanric lifted up the sheets to find to search for the little Countess. "Mel, everyone knows that we have…" He broke off, blushing a little.

"Have what?" Mel asked, slipping her hand on his knee. "Great sex? Excellent fornication?"

Vidanric stared at her for a moment. "I was going to go with true love, but excellent fornication… yes. We have that too, I suppose."

Mel sighed as slipped out of the warm and crossed the room in search for her clothing. "Sometimes, you can be such a woman," she scolded him, throwing on her stockings.

He sat up in the bed. "Why? Because I want you just to marry me already? I don't think you realize how serious this is, Mel." Vidanric began, becoming quite agitated. His gray eyes blazed. "I'm the king. The KING. And in case you haven't noticed, marriage is considered an excellent way to bind an important treaty."

Mel blinked, not grasping his implication. "Tlanth swore loyalty at your coronation, just like every other region. What are you getting at?"

"What I'm getting at!" exclaimed Vidanric, struggling to keep his voice down as his anger grew. "What I'm getting at is that you don't seem to understand that my hand in marriage might be necessary sometimes soon. If you shut up and allowed us to get married already, we wouldn't have that threat looming over our throne now, would we?"

His words were spoken before he realized what he was saying.

"Oh, 'Danric!" Mel said, blushing a little at her lose for words. She placed her ungloved hand on his cheek. "Our throne? That is so…so…" A tear welled up in her eye and she turned away from her confused fiancé.

"Don't cry," he admonished, dismissing her emotions. "I cannot tolerate weepy women."

"You want me to be Queen."

"Mel, didn't we discuss this about a year ago?"

"I hoped you weren't serious," she mumbled, straightening her hair.

"I am serious. And you need to get serious too." He stood up and reached for his pants. "What are you waiting for? Half the court is aware of our relationship already as well as the entire staff of servants. Everyone knows, my family is not going to stand in the way, your brother is not very likely to challenge me to a duel for taking your virtue…"

Mel snorted in a very unladylike fashion and began giggling uncontrollably. "'Taking my virtue?'" she repeated. She began giggling again and doubled over.

"It's not funny," said Vidanric shortly. "Even if I was not king, it would still be my duty to marry you and make you an honest woman." He smiled and threw on a shirt.

"Things are done differently in Tlanth," muttered Mel. "The Hill Folk and people of that region are a bit more…capricious in their love lives." She blushed.

"What do you mean?" asked Vidanric, his usually affable voice cold and stony. He narrowed his eyes.

"It's nothing," amended Mel, finishing dressing. "I've got to get back to my chambers now before anyone gets up. Nearly sunrise!" She leaned towards Vidanric and kissed him quickly. "Goodbye."

He gave her a quick peck on the top of her nose. "I love you." She smiled, nodded and left the room.

"Well, if she's not going to make our relationship public, I'll do it for us," thought Vidanric angrily. He sat down at his desk and began to draft a letter.

_Dear Bran (the letter read):_

_I'm certain that you must realize the extent of my relationship with Meliara. My status as friend acclimated to lover nearly a year ago after the demise of Flauvic. Before you draw conclusions, understand that I proposed to her before we became physical in any way. My intentions are most clearly honorable. Yet much to my chagrin, your pigheaded sister refuses to acknowledge our engagement to the court and insists on keeping it a secret. I don't understand this attitude and I am vexed to the point of agitation. Therefore, I've deemed it necessary to write you and explicate my intentions._

_I want to marry Mel. I want to make her queen. I want to have the ceremony performed as quickly as possible. _

_Please don't challenge me to a duel for taking her virtue. As the king, I would have to execute you for plotting against the sovereign. The execution would have to be a commoner's death. As you are aware, it would last all day and draw public spectators. _

_I await your response and send my best wishes to your charming wife. _

_Sincerely, _

_Vidanric_

_PS: When is the next time we can have a little get together at Tlanth? Last night I visited Nee made that amazing little dish? You know the one she set on fire? I still need the recipe! _

_Oh yes, and I think Mel sends her love. She's obviously not here at the moment, but I'm sure she sends it._

Vidanric folded and placed it on his desk for the servants to send in the morning. Finally exhausted, he settled into bed for a few hours of sleep before sunrise

"I almost feel bad for the poor man," muttered Vidanric's valet as he plucked the letter from the king's desk. "Here he leaves this lovely, unsealed document labeled "personal" and he honestly expects his servants and subjects to respect that."

"That's cute," agreed Moira, grabbing the letter. "Ooh!" Her eyes widened. "Wait, this isn't juicy. We know they've been sleeping together for nearly ten months. We know he's been after her to finally sit on that beautiful unoccupied goldenwood throne."

"But what we didn't know," corrected the valet, snatching back the letter. "Is that Lord Branaric had no idea as to His Majesty's intentions with his trollop of a sister."

"She can't be much of a trollop if the king "stole her virtue" or how ever he worded it," said Moira absently as she reached for the parchment. She sealed and placed it in an envelope.

"Morning," greeted Marina, Lady Tamara's maid. "I just saw his royal mistress sneaking into her room, so Moira, you're safe to return."

"Thank you," answered Moira primly, handing the envelope to Vidanric's servant. "We just stumbled upon a personal correspondence between His Majesty and the Count of Tlanth," she said mischievously.

"And what news?"

"King Vidanric is going to announce their betrothal, whether Mel wants him to or not."

Marina sighed and leaned against the wall. "I wish Mel was more exciting."

"She led a rebel army against the former despotic king and was chased throughout the nation by two of the most gorgeous and daring men of our generation, one of which fell hopelessly in love with her and plans to make her his queen. How is that not interesting?" asked Moira sharply. She was a bit defensive of her mistress.

"I don't mean that," amended Marina quickly. "I only mean she used to be so entertaining, full of faux pas and mishaps. Now that she's adapted to court life and learned manners…she's not half as entertaining."

"It's true," agreed the only man present. "She used to keep us so occupied."

"Well," pondered Moira after a moment. "Let us release this letter to the post officer and send our own letter to Tlanth. Maybe something interesting will turn up."

"Hopefully," said Marina. "Now let's go into Vidanric's room and look for some incriminating evidence left over from their little tousle last night."

"I didn't hear anything," said Moira with a smile, as she left to go tend to her mistress.

(A/N: Hello Court Duel community. Please welcome us with open arms... and no eggs or projectile vomiting. We are fanfic veterans, our roots lie traditionally in Harry Potter, Buffy and many other fandoms. Hope you enjoy this, err... lovely beginning chapter to our first court duel fanfic. ever. We have another three chapters saved somewhere and with patience, love and a lot of reviews... you might get to see the end of this.

We are review whores!! ;)

-Thanks guys,

Lindsey & Zara)


	2. Tree Jokes

Twitch of the Love Nerve

**Chapter 2**

Mel sat on the end of her bed, kicking off her slippers. She had less than five minutes to get into her pajamas and make the bed sheets appear slept in before Mora came in.

Yet Mel's mind was too preoccupied with the previous conversation with 'Danric and she moved slowly. Mora entered the doorway promptly at her regular time.

Mel was still wearing her dinner dress. No pajamas. Her bed was pristine and neat, not in the slightest bit tousled.

"Um… I'll be back in a minute," Mora started for the doorway.

"No," Mel said, sighing. She sat down on the straightened bed. "It's alright. I must confide in you, Mora."

"Lady Meliara-," Mora began.

"No Mora! No! I can not keep up this charade! I must say this before another word is spoken," Mel braced herself. "Mora, I have been having a surreptitious relationship with our King. A sexual, surreptitious relationship," she finished lamely. Sexual, surreptitious relationship: that was a tongue twister.

"Lady-," Mora tried again.

"No! Please do not judge me, Mora," Mel felt hot tears well up behind her eyes. God, she was having an emotional morning. What the hell was wrong with her? "I simply could not bear it if you judged me, Mora. You have always been so understanding of my background and situation. So impartial-,"

"Lady Meliara!" Mora snapped. Mel ceased her ramblings. "We-," she amended. "I have had my… suspicions for sometime."

"What?" demanded Mel, aghast. "But we were so discrete! Never one did I _literally_ spend the night, no matter how inviting his embrace was. Never did I "do it" in the gardens, as he asked me at one point. I declined because I believed that if I displayed my relationship and relations with the monarch in polite company I would be renounced! Yes, dismissed as nothing more than a common vixen! A wench playing in the King's bed! The old, washed-up, former Countess trying to win something back—" Mel paused and turned around, facing the wall. "Excuse my emotional breakdown. I've been under a lot of stress lately, but now I have resolved my dilemma."

She whipped out a fan and began performing the Utter Tranquility sequence. "You see, Mora, I've decided to decline the King's gracious offer in taking me to his bosom to live as his life companion. I shall be returning to Tlanth to live out the remainder of my short life in shame and repentance. With the Hill Folk, for I am too fowl to share the roof of polite company." She bent her head in shame.

Mora snapped the fan shut and whacked Mel over the head. "Have you gone mad, my lady?" she snapped. "Has that brain of yours cooked with the heat of the fervor and passion you feel for the king? You're marrying him. He wrote to your brother announcing the betrothal and asking for permission."

"He's not getting it, as I'm going to be a spinster and an old maid and return to the Hill Folk, if they'll have someone as vile as I," moaned Mel. "Oh, woe is unto me!"

"I'm going to go make you tea," announced Mora. "I really cannot tolerate you right now."

"Am I too despicable to be near?" asked Mel, picking her head up. "Tell me, Mora. Tell me how loathsome I am," she begged.

"Shut up, woman," scolded Mora. "You think I've never taken a man to my bed? You think my husband and I lived chastely until he finally proposed?"

Mel gasped. "So you're a fallen woman, too! It's just that…oh Mora! After the first time, I promised that it would never happen again! I promised Bran that I would live as befitted my station! And then Vidanric came into my life…"

"Banging the King is higher than you could have anticipated, giving your station," retorted Mora. "Now I shall see about your tea, my lady."

Hmm, pondered Mora as she wandered towards the kitchen, "The first time?" Her smile grew. "Now I have something to write to Tlanth about."

Vidanric was sitting in the Petitioner's Court. And he was really bored. The Petitioner's Court worked to preserve all the things that Vidanric wanted to uphold for the kingdom: Honor, Courage and Commitment. But honor, courage and commitment got boring after a while. As did boring, petty, uneducated farmers who complained about cows and pointless prattle like that.

It was during such ridiculous discussions that he would allow his mind to wander. And generally this would wander in the general direction of the giant tree in the middle of the room.

Really, it was hard to miss. Flauvic was a colossal fricking tree. It was really too funny to express. Vidanric snickered to himself and then stopped when the uneducated farmer, and most of the court, began to look at him funny.

"Whatever," thought Vidanric. "It's good to be King."

The uneducated Farmer made another ridiculous point and Vidanric discovered his deep, deep need to get out of the room. He was going to scream.

Instead, he amused himself by making up witty Flauvic-tree joke to tell Mel later. She was the only one who appreciated his Flauvic-tree jokes… maybe that was why he loved her.

"So Mel I was thinking…turning Flauvic into a tree was really brilliant. You know, as a human…he would never turn over a new leaf."

"So Mel, did you hear about the stupid tree in the Petitioner's Court today? What a sap! I mean what a total knot head! Every time I asked it a question, it was stumped!" Wait…. That was stupid, as Flauvic was not a stump, rather a fully grown, enormous fricking tree.

"Hey Mel, is Flauvic a son of a beech or a son of a birch?_"_

"Neither," Vidanric mentally answered himself, "He is the best piece of ash I have ever put my… pecker in. Pecker? What the hell? Oh. Woodpecker jokes."

In reality, Mel was most likely have either slapped him by now or walked out, but in his little fantasy, she could laugh at his wit. And then she would stroke his long yellow hair and gaze into his grey eyes and would take advantage of him. Even though she would never agree to role-play….

He sighed and turned his attention back to the farmer, petitioning for a radish or something. Vidanric could not make himself care—as his spirit was lacking and his loins were a bit preoccupied.

_A/N: Oh Brave New Fandom that has such people in it! You have all been so sweet. Thank you for the reviews and the warm welcome to this amazing community! Alright, now that we have gained your trust, your love and your reviews, we throw this at you. Sorry, it's just who we are._

_Rayvenia: Thank you for pointing out the misspelling of Mora's name. I can not believe we actually missed that. I fixed the spelling on these chapters and plan to change it in chapter one as well. As for mocking the book…_

_Oh? Did we forget to mention that this was a PARODY?_

_I only say this now, because we always anticipate flames, but if you missed the memo: this story is parody! A lampoon! It's humor and supposed to be taken lightly. I think that the parody of this will come out soon enough as the plot thickens (appears)._

_Sweet Deal. Enjoy the Tree-jokes! ;)_

_(Reviews are like… candy! Or Crack.)_

**_–L&_Z**


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